he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
