The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
