I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
