Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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