I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You've changed since you got that strap on
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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