I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
