I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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