im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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