Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He better not be in your backpack
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
