I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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