I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
