Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize