I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize