So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
