I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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