trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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