Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
