Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(630): View more from Illinois

my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.

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(850): View more from Florida

i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!

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(618): View more from Illinois

Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?

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(925): View more from California

I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.

(334): View more from Alabama

I stand by my new policy.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.

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(616): View more from Michigan

just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.

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