I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
