Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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