Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
