so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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