There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
