Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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