I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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