I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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