Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
