You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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