he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
