final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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