I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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