Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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