i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
