Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
