watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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