Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
