my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
