Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
