So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
