So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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