dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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