Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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