tonight lets celebrate not being married
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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