We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
