thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
