i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
