I accidentally burped into my bong.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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