I accidentally burped into my bong.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
