Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
