She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize