update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
