Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
