I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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