I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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