we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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